It Hits Different

When you ask yourself "What if that was the moment?"

It’s peculiar to realize — whether it’s how you imagined or not — that suddenly all those things you dreamed of doing as a kid, all those experiences in the world you could not live without, they are suddenly becoming real. The sacrifices surprise you, too.

The universe asks of you, “What are you willing to give?”

Then when you least expect it, the universe comes knocking again, this time asking “How much of yourself can you offer?” Your mind? Your body? Your heart and soul?

I’m not sure it’s ever enough.

Making Eye Contact with Your Courage

Anaïs Nin once said “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

Maybe that’s why one year, I resolved to be Bolder, Stronger, Braver. Maybe that’s why now, as I peer into the months ahead and the opportunities they hold, I am simultaneously staring into the mirror. There’s a large wall of mirrors at my new place, and it seems to beg questions, too. “Who are you? Where have you been? Who will you become?”

My priorities are shifting. My daily flow that shirks routine is morphing. My perception of the world and who we are inside it is expanding. And not always for the better. Not in an organized or orderly way. Not with any respect for time.

I spend a lot of energy thinking about the moments.

The moment I changed. The moment I was given to express an idea. The moments we share together. Moments that pass all too quickly, moments that hold big questions, demanding clarity and direction, demanding answers, whether we are ready or not. The moment when we feel like we cannot change or evolve, when we wonder if we are destined to make the same mistakes, to enjoy the same successes, or to keep tracing the same circles in the sand.

The moments we lose. The moments we are given. The fleeting moment we have with loved ones, the person we love most in our entire life. Maybe it is an hour. Maybe it is a day. Maybe it is truly only a minute. What about those moments?

After 40, it hits different. After your family unit disappears and your life transforms, all of it becomes bewildering and new.

I am a family of one. A family of one, who runs with the best pup in the Western Hemisphere! Or I am a family of hundreds of thousands, one in a tribe that spans the entire globe. Twice this year, I’ve received beloved personal mail with meaningful autographs from Europe. That in itself was exciting and bizarre.

But I digress…

Count the Moments

Now that I’m potentially half way through my time on this Earth, I try to weigh every moment. What moment is the most important? Which moments can I let go? What are the consequences for letting some moments go, and do I really care? Does anyone really care, when we abandon work or mediocrity to be part of something deeper?

Connection. A journalist reported loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking 40 cigarettes a day. What of connection, then?

Inspiration. So much pain and suffering is pulsing through the nations of the world, that we need our joy. What if we never lose of our joy?

Meaning. If I can speak, or depict, or do even one thing in my life that uplifts someone, and it uplifts them so much that they decide not to commit suicide? Whoa. I’m not saying that I have, but I’m saying, what if we could convey that kind of meaning?

What if the part of our year that felt so trivial, or so laborious, or so reckless in the face of other responsibilities… What if that was the moment?

It hits different.

What if you were the one who had a profile listed on a dating website, and inspired someone you had never spoken to or ever met to do more with their life? Now, that has actually happened! Haha… Oddly enough, I once matched with someone who said they saw my dating profile a year ago, and decided to change everything.

You never know who you might touch. Who you might inspire. Who you might sway.

For me personally, I hope it’s family. In August, something horrible happened, and I’ll never publicize the details for the entire world to read. But it was a heavy moment. It rippled through the small family I do have outside of my home, with venom and distrust. With heart-wrenching regret. I can’t shake the dread that my next visit with my loved ones feels like a kind of goodbye. It’s not, but what about this moment? What kind of moment will I share with my loves this Saturday?

I don’t know what to think, but I’ll do everything I can to be present. I won’t miss the moment, no matter what it holds.

When Everything Changes

What I do with my time this fall could change everything. But what if that’s what the universe is asking of me? How should I move through these months if an enormous evolution is inevitable, in proportion to my courage?

There are the tears, again. They won’t stop streaming down my face at random moments of the day…

I’m coming to find out, there is a strange alienation that meets you when you know you are on the edge of fame — and inspiration that could move more people than you can count. There is an odd foreboding that has been nudging me, as I try to find the strength to tell the whole story of what happened to me in my youth, in my 20s, in my family, in my soul.

Who am I? The mirror begs the question. Who am I meant to become?

Is it even possible to know? Can we even begin to comprehend what destiny will make of our lives?

And there it is, that familiar sensation I felt after I tried to let my ego die many years ago: I do not know. I could never know. There will always be so many things that we, as individuals, will never know with any certainty.

Let me listen to the silent whispers of nature at night. Let me muse at the way the stars twinkle, their light radiating from millions of years ago. Let me go grab a tissue…

I’ve stumbled and fallen more times this year than I can count. Yet, most of you wouldn’t know. These moments happen quietly and behind the facade. These are the private moments that occur in our life without warning. Somehow, my courage lately has been proportionate to my fears, both of them looming larger than ever. And yet, the only thing I truly fear is losing a love in my life.

My mind meanders to my own unending question, “What will the universe ask of me?”

I simply don’t know.

It’s all I can do to honor the moments.